A penny for...

I'm watching "the Girls Next Door" on E right now, you know the "reality show" about Huge Hefner's 3, yes three, girlfriend/playboy bunnies that live with him in the famous playboy mansion.

In this particular episode we find the girls planning for their "Easter" party. Yea kids, come and play at the playboy mansion, an enormous emotional scar with each egg you find! Irony anyone? Not just one direction of it either, I mean like there are so many hypocrisies at work in this 30 minute segment then in the whole of most tv. These are playboy bunnies- the epitome of dysfunctional relationships, the pinnicle of sexual impurity. These girls have absolutely convinced themselves that lead an appropriate, and even normal, lifestyle.

My roommate can barely stand to watch it she's a stranger to the idea that most of the world doesn't know Jesus and his word, and way of life. Even though it's everywhere in our current corruption. The thing that bothers me most though is that while decorating one of the 3,500+ eggs to be hidden, one of the girls, Holly, decided to paint one that looked like Jesus. I was stunned my jaw literally dropped, not that she was, as most of the world does, painting him to look like a white-hippie, long wavy brunette hair, light skin, Caucasian features, but that she knew who he was. I think on some level I knew they were denying him but I had always kind of pushed that thought away, telling myself that it had to do a lot with their circumstance, the way they were raised, that they probably hadn't been exposed to the true and gracious word of the Lord. I mean, how could they have... and still choose to lead such broken, harmful, lives? I'm so frustrated that Satan makes sin so inviting, and especially that when we're doing it we actually enjoy it, and being denial. (obviously I realize this is not in every case, I'm just speaking from my own perception and experience.)

Then I remember. I'm no different, certainly not better. I have been blessed enough to know and study His word, and let Jesus be in my heart yielding my eternal salvation. But..I am still a sinner, the only difference between me and these three women is that I know the things I do can not and will not condemn me because Christ died so that I could be forgiven. Yet at the same time I am trying to turn my life around- which is the problem, I have to wait for the desire from him to seek him. I have to accept that nothing I DO is going to change what he has planned for me, for better or worse, I so I've actually separated myself from him thinking that my actions would earn me his love. I need to pray for understanding, I need to pray, earnestly, for help moving on, and to live in the moment. Every moment that he's given as the precious gift that it is....maybe that's why it's called the 'present'. ;)

I don't know exactly where my life is headed right now, which is unsettling. My heart is still in it's adolescence, because while I have eternal life over death, and that makes me want to live my life differently, there is nothing that I can force to happen. All I can do is surrender. Once again patience proves it's self a vital and devastatingly illusive virtue. My continuous prayer is this, 'Search me, O God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalm 139:23-24