Breathe

I keep editing this blog. Why? I feel so vulnerable, like i'm taking of a piece of clothing with each word, slowly uncovering my real thoughts. Why am I so worried about what people will think of what I type on a stupid web page at 2 am? I guess I really don't care what "people" will think. I write most of these entries, imagining them with a specific viewer. But I have no way to tell who reads, or doesn't read, this unless of course a comment is made.

I always got A's in English, I'm terrible at math. I could read a paragraph and give you at least 2 underlying meanings for it. Partially due to constant instruction to do so, but also because I can see deeper into things than what their surface offers. Novels, Poems, Songs, People...I don't know why, I just can- it helps me help people though, I think that's why God made me this way.

My mind is so awake- my body, not so much. I watched the Golden Globes tonight almost jumping off the couch with anticipation, speculation, and of course my own 2 cents about who's wearing what. Seriously though, I'm going to be there, it's where I belong, I don't know when or how, I just know. Which is funny seeing as how I can't even seem to have enough faith to trust God with what I'll eat for lunch tomorrow. I think I might be living too much in the future. Odd? Yea- but these past few months have been so difficult that I find myself hoping for the day the clouds will part- and the birds will sing.

I think about you everyday. It's so annoying. I need to stop- we don't even talk anymore. You're obviously done with me...yet to my own detriment I hang on. Like I said I'm waiting for that day...Do alcoholics want to take their last drink? Do they know that later in life if God sees fit- they'll have a glass of blush wine and never even harbor the thought of another? Does it take years? I almost wish for a chemical addiction right now. After all a bottle of alcohol can't tell you it loves you. (if it can-you probably haven't just been drinking have you?) ;) Do they go to AA with a heavy heart and eager mind? When will this be over- I see no end in sight...of course I've been blind for 6 years now, but that shouldn't matter.

"2 am I'm still awake writing a song. if i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to... and i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to...Breathe- Just Breathe."