A revelation I have had. God spoke to me today. Now I understand the everlasting way. Out of obedience it came, my empty prayers are full. The darkness that surrounded me is gone, and I long for more of his word. I am pursuing the Lord my God. This is the beginning of our day.
Well. I woke up a couple months ago to the sound of morning breaking. It was the prettiest kind of broken I've ever heard. The snow had melted right away, and I knew the light was from the sun because I had heard from others what it would feel like. Like warmth and freedom. Like being suspended underwater, looking up at the rain falling on the surface. Like sweet sweet songs and tender embraces. Like falling down dizzy in a field of flowers under a sky bursting open with pinks and reds and oranges.
It's funny really, because at every moment I have exactly everything I need to glorify his name and serve his kingdom. I never am lacking anything or anyone who would make me better at this because he perfectly gives and takes what is necessary, and even then he could easily replace the work of my hands with the shouting out and exclamations of the rocks that I kick around in the street.
I love the people that happen to me every day. I love that when I try to take on their burdens, he reminds me that his burden is light. I love the tremendous blessing of laughter, even in the face of an approaching night and cold winds. I love that his ways are too high and lofty for me to attain. I love him and the fact that I need nothing which he has or has not given me except for himself.
these words made my heart happy-I hope they speak to you as well.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
We've Got More Bounce In California...
So I'm in love. With California. I'm just here for the summer but I've decided that this is where I want to be for the next few decades if life allows. I love being near the ocean, the weather is incredible, and the boys...are amazing. Texas will always be my home, Dallas...well Richardson will always be close to my heart they say you can take the girl out of the honky tonk but you can't take the honky tonk out of the girl- now I know what that means. ;)
It feels great to be here close to everything I've ever dreamed of. LA, Hollywood the place where dreams come true, I know mine will. Not too long from now I'll be on the set of that years award winning movie, in my director's chair... delicately decorated with "Ms. Krieg" stitched white on black canvas. There will be hard times no doubt, times I will wonder why I even bothered to come here and compete with the millions upon millions of other people who want to succeed in this business- but when I'm on that red carpet I'll know I did what I was meant to do, what God had planned for me will have taken me to levels I can't even imagine now.
I miss my texas girls. I miss my dad, well my whole family of course...pets included, but this is a sacrifice, one of many, that I'm going to have to make if I want to make my dreams come true. I look at this summer as a some what trial period. I've sort of gotten to know the area, but I know that I love the feeling, the over all atmosphere here. People still have down time. Shops close at 5 or even 3, people go home or to the beach, they don't owe their lives to their business. There is only the rare 24hr. convenience store and Sundays are actually Sundays...a day of rest.
I could write for days but I won't. These thoughts are just the tip of the ice-burg, and the ice-burg is twice the size of the one that brought down the Titanic.
It feels great to be here close to everything I've ever dreamed of. LA, Hollywood the place where dreams come true, I know mine will. Not too long from now I'll be on the set of that years award winning movie, in my director's chair... delicately decorated with "Ms. Krieg" stitched white on black canvas. There will be hard times no doubt, times I will wonder why I even bothered to come here and compete with the millions upon millions of other people who want to succeed in this business- but when I'm on that red carpet I'll know I did what I was meant to do, what God had planned for me will have taken me to levels I can't even imagine now.
I miss my texas girls. I miss my dad, well my whole family of course...pets included, but this is a sacrifice, one of many, that I'm going to have to make if I want to make my dreams come true. I look at this summer as a some what trial period. I've sort of gotten to know the area, but I know that I love the feeling, the over all atmosphere here. People still have down time. Shops close at 5 or even 3, people go home or to the beach, they don't owe their lives to their business. There is only the rare 24hr. convenience store and Sundays are actually Sundays...a day of rest.
I could write for days but I won't. These thoughts are just the tip of the ice-burg, and the ice-burg is twice the size of the one that brought down the Titanic.
Breathe
I keep editing this blog. Why? I feel so vulnerable, like i'm taking of a piece of clothing with each word, slowly uncovering my real thoughts. Why am I so worried about what people will think of what I type on a stupid web page at 2 am? I guess I really don't care what "people" will think. I write most of these entries, imagining them with a specific viewer. But I have no way to tell who reads, or doesn't read, this unless of course a comment is made.
I always got A's in English, I'm terrible at math. I could read a paragraph and give you at least 2 underlying meanings for it. Partially due to constant instruction to do so, but also because I can see deeper into things than what their surface offers. Novels, Poems, Songs, People...I don't know why, I just can- it helps me help people though, I think that's why God made me this way.
My mind is so awake- my body, not so much. I watched the Golden Globes tonight almost jumping off the couch with anticipation, speculation, and of course my own 2 cents about who's wearing what. Seriously though, I'm going to be there, it's where I belong, I don't know when or how, I just know. Which is funny seeing as how I can't even seem to have enough faith to trust God with what I'll eat for lunch tomorrow. I think I might be living too much in the future. Odd? Yea- but these past few months have been so difficult that I find myself hoping for the day the clouds will part- and the birds will sing.
I think about you everyday. It's so annoying. I need to stop- we don't even talk anymore. You're obviously done with me...yet to my own detriment I hang on. Like I said I'm waiting for that day...Do alcoholics want to take their last drink? Do they know that later in life if God sees fit- they'll have a glass of blush wine and never even harbor the thought of another? Does it take years? I almost wish for a chemical addiction right now. After all a bottle of alcohol can't tell you it loves you. (if it can-you probably haven't just been drinking have you?) ;) Do they go to AA with a heavy heart and eager mind? When will this be over- I see no end in sight...of course I've been blind for 6 years now, but that shouldn't matter.
"2 am I'm still awake writing a song. if i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to... and i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to...Breathe- Just Breathe."
I always got A's in English, I'm terrible at math. I could read a paragraph and give you at least 2 underlying meanings for it. Partially due to constant instruction to do so, but also because I can see deeper into things than what their surface offers. Novels, Poems, Songs, People...I don't know why, I just can- it helps me help people though, I think that's why God made me this way.
My mind is so awake- my body, not so much. I watched the Golden Globes tonight almost jumping off the couch with anticipation, speculation, and of course my own 2 cents about who's wearing what. Seriously though, I'm going to be there, it's where I belong, I don't know when or how, I just know. Which is funny seeing as how I can't even seem to have enough faith to trust God with what I'll eat for lunch tomorrow. I think I might be living too much in the future. Odd? Yea- but these past few months have been so difficult that I find myself hoping for the day the clouds will part- and the birds will sing.
I think about you everyday. It's so annoying. I need to stop- we don't even talk anymore. You're obviously done with me...yet to my own detriment I hang on. Like I said I'm waiting for that day...Do alcoholics want to take their last drink? Do they know that later in life if God sees fit- they'll have a glass of blush wine and never even harbor the thought of another? Does it take years? I almost wish for a chemical addiction right now. After all a bottle of alcohol can't tell you it loves you. (if it can-you probably haven't just been drinking have you?) ;) Do they go to AA with a heavy heart and eager mind? When will this be over- I see no end in sight...of course I've been blind for 6 years now, but that shouldn't matter.
"2 am I'm still awake writing a song. if i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to... and i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to...Breathe- Just Breathe."
A penny for...
I'm watching "the Girls Next Door" on E right now, you know the "reality show" about Huge Hefner's 3, yes three, girlfriend/playboy bunnies that live with him in the famous playboy mansion.
In this particular episode we find the girls planning for their "Easter" party. Yea kids, come and play at the playboy mansion, an enormous emotional scar with each egg you find! Irony anyone? Not just one direction of it either, I mean like there are so many hypocrisies at work in this 30 minute segment then in the whole of most tv. These are playboy bunnies- the epitome of dysfunctional relationships, the pinnicle of sexual impurity. These girls have absolutely convinced themselves that lead an appropriate, and even normal, lifestyle.
My roommate can barely stand to watch it she's a stranger to the idea that most of the world doesn't know Jesus and his word, and way of life. Even though it's everywhere in our current corruption. The thing that bothers me most though is that while decorating one of the 3,500+ eggs to be hidden, one of the girls, Holly, decided to paint one that looked like Jesus. I was stunned my jaw literally dropped, not that she was, as most of the world does, painting him to look like a white-hippie, long wavy brunette hair, light skin, Caucasian features, but that she knew who he was. I think on some level I knew they were denying him but I had always kind of pushed that thought away, telling myself that it had to do a lot with their circumstance, the way they were raised, that they probably hadn't been exposed to the true and gracious word of the Lord. I mean, how could they have... and still choose to lead such broken, harmful, lives? I'm so frustrated that Satan makes sin so inviting, and especially that when we're doing it we actually enjoy it, and being denial. (obviously I realize this is not in every case, I'm just speaking from my own perception and experience.)
Then I remember. I'm no different, certainly not better. I have been blessed enough to know and study His word, and let Jesus be in my heart yielding my eternal salvation. But..I am still a sinner, the only difference between me and these three women is that I know the things I do can not and will not condemn me because Christ died so that I could be forgiven. Yet at the same time I am trying to turn my life around- which is the problem, I have to wait for the desire from him to seek him. I have to accept that nothing I DO is going to change what he has planned for me, for better or worse, I so I've actually separated myself from him thinking that my actions would earn me his love. I need to pray for understanding, I need to pray, earnestly, for help moving on, and to live in the moment. Every moment that he's given as the precious gift that it is....maybe that's why it's called the 'present'. ;)
I don't know exactly where my life is headed right now, which is unsettling. My heart is still in it's adolescence, because while I have eternal life over death, and that makes me want to live my life differently, there is nothing that I can force to happen. All I can do is surrender. Once again patience proves it's self a vital and devastatingly illusive virtue. My continuous prayer is this, 'Search me, O God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalm 139:23-24
In this particular episode we find the girls planning for their "Easter" party. Yea kids, come and play at the playboy mansion, an enormous emotional scar with each egg you find! Irony anyone? Not just one direction of it either, I mean like there are so many hypocrisies at work in this 30 minute segment then in the whole of most tv. These are playboy bunnies- the epitome of dysfunctional relationships, the pinnicle of sexual impurity. These girls have absolutely convinced themselves that lead an appropriate, and even normal, lifestyle.
My roommate can barely stand to watch it she's a stranger to the idea that most of the world doesn't know Jesus and his word, and way of life. Even though it's everywhere in our current corruption. The thing that bothers me most though is that while decorating one of the 3,500+ eggs to be hidden, one of the girls, Holly, decided to paint one that looked like Jesus. I was stunned my jaw literally dropped, not that she was, as most of the world does, painting him to look like a white-hippie, long wavy brunette hair, light skin, Caucasian features, but that she knew who he was. I think on some level I knew they were denying him but I had always kind of pushed that thought away, telling myself that it had to do a lot with their circumstance, the way they were raised, that they probably hadn't been exposed to the true and gracious word of the Lord. I mean, how could they have... and still choose to lead such broken, harmful, lives? I'm so frustrated that Satan makes sin so inviting, and especially that when we're doing it we actually enjoy it, and being denial. (obviously I realize this is not in every case, I'm just speaking from my own perception and experience.)
Then I remember. I'm no different, certainly not better. I have been blessed enough to know and study His word, and let Jesus be in my heart yielding my eternal salvation. But..I am still a sinner, the only difference between me and these three women is that I know the things I do can not and will not condemn me because Christ died so that I could be forgiven. Yet at the same time I am trying to turn my life around- which is the problem, I have to wait for the desire from him to seek him. I have to accept that nothing I DO is going to change what he has planned for me, for better or worse, I so I've actually separated myself from him thinking that my actions would earn me his love. I need to pray for understanding, I need to pray, earnestly, for help moving on, and to live in the moment. Every moment that he's given as the precious gift that it is....maybe that's why it's called the 'present'. ;)
I don't know exactly where my life is headed right now, which is unsettling. My heart is still in it's adolescence, because while I have eternal life over death, and that makes me want to live my life differently, there is nothing that I can force to happen. All I can do is surrender. Once again patience proves it's self a vital and devastatingly illusive virtue. My continuous prayer is this, 'Search me, O God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalm 139:23-24
The Upside Of Anger
I'm torn. between the life I see and all it's potential, and complete surrender. There is a tiny, incesent, relentless, gut-wrenching tap of doubt. All of the things I'll never know, or ever even get to have the chance to try and mend or address. All I want is to be set free from this trap, have this weight lifted and to feel liberated and delighted in the hope of someone else. To not think of this every minute of everyday. To not doubt my existance with or without you, and yet you won't grant me that one courtesy, at the very least, as a human being would you have the respect to let me say to you what is on my heart? No. I would never do that to you, to anyone, i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.
Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become.
Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.
People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.
Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become.
Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.
Hmmmm
I am so curious. So very curious to know the answers to questions that surround me like slippery fish in the ocean. Every once and awhile they surface, but only for a moment to assure their acknowledgment. They dart here and there, never staying still. But of course, to be still is to be vulnerable. A fine fisherman like myself could catch a question on a hook disguised in conversation.
Maybe this is why I don't like seafood.
Do questions not fuel the energy of life? If all answers were known then questions themselves would not exist. Would there be any wondering? Would everyone think the same? Who's answers are right and Who's are wrong? In all this pondering I find myself led to one answer, some of the greatest questions are to remain unanswered, building faith or destroying it. Making one choose their own perception of truth weather it be to their success or demise. I am praying, although more often than not it feels empty, that God will enlighten me. That he will find me worthy of his truth so much that I may represent him here on earth until I sit with him face to face, and ask him every question that ever went unanswered.
Maybe this is why I don't like seafood.
Do questions not fuel the energy of life? If all answers were known then questions themselves would not exist. Would there be any wondering? Would everyone think the same? Who's answers are right and Who's are wrong? In all this pondering I find myself led to one answer, some of the greatest questions are to remain unanswered, building faith or destroying it. Making one choose their own perception of truth weather it be to their success or demise. I am praying, although more often than not it feels empty, that God will enlighten me. That he will find me worthy of his truth so much that I may represent him here on earth until I sit with him face to face, and ask him every question that ever went unanswered.
Catch the Wind In a Box and When You Do, Send It To Me
I love the few seconds of silence after a great song has ended. Almost as if the absence of sound makes the song that much more enthralling. When I can, I take those seconds and let the meaning of the song sink in. I cannot pin-point the exact reason for my love affair with the eclectic melodies that reside in my ipod, but I think that's half their charm. Their elusiveness, the consistent mystery that invites my mind, heart, and soul to evoke emotions or inspire thoughts, that are completely individual and most importantly personal.
Obviously there is division among consensus, because of our unique opinions of what true music is. Yet another thing to love about it. That it almost certainly can not be defined by mere words in our dictionary. Just like our God, and a personal relationship with him, if someone were to ask me how to explain, or describe it, how could I? Is that his work in nature entirely captivates me? Nearing the pinnacle of a hill in Solana Beach, my heart almost skips a beat. I know the view that awaits at my descent is breath-taking to say the least. The sun setting turns the rippling waves into gold shimmering satin. The sky painted pink and purple seems to collide with the water at a distance, in perfect harmony. Or is it the stars? As I look into the vast night sky, his stars sparkle so delicately, but with such a powerful light that they’re visible to us here, from light-years away.
Maybe it’s a song, a melody born from quivering strings and ivory keys. Is it the feeling you get when surrounded by the ones you love, you are at peace, your soul breathes, and you know it’s real. None of these things are tangible, yet no one denies their presence. These words fail me, the Lord’s creation is more beautiful than anything I could ever write. All bestowed upon us by a father who loves his children, and sacrificed himself so that we don’t have to depend on our own, only human, capabilities to live life. Can you imagine if we were the alpha and the omega? If our fate was dependant on our own efforts? What a mess! Thank God that isn’t the case, I for one would be terrified if it was.
How do you describe his presence, his love, his grace? For me there are no words.
Obviously there is division among consensus, because of our unique opinions of what true music is. Yet another thing to love about it. That it almost certainly can not be defined by mere words in our dictionary. Just like our God, and a personal relationship with him, if someone were to ask me how to explain, or describe it, how could I? Is that his work in nature entirely captivates me? Nearing the pinnacle of a hill in Solana Beach, my heart almost skips a beat. I know the view that awaits at my descent is breath-taking to say the least. The sun setting turns the rippling waves into gold shimmering satin. The sky painted pink and purple seems to collide with the water at a distance, in perfect harmony. Or is it the stars? As I look into the vast night sky, his stars sparkle so delicately, but with such a powerful light that they’re visible to us here, from light-years away.
Maybe it’s a song, a melody born from quivering strings and ivory keys. Is it the feeling you get when surrounded by the ones you love, you are at peace, your soul breathes, and you know it’s real. None of these things are tangible, yet no one denies their presence. These words fail me, the Lord’s creation is more beautiful than anything I could ever write. All bestowed upon us by a father who loves his children, and sacrificed himself so that we don’t have to depend on our own, only human, capabilities to live life. Can you imagine if we were the alpha and the omega? If our fate was dependant on our own efforts? What a mess! Thank God that isn’t the case, I for one would be terrified if it was.
How do you describe his presence, his love, his grace? For me there are no words.
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